your life is happening now, not someday.

| a reminder to not postpone your happiness

It’s funny how after every exam season I tell myself, that yes we shall plan & plot our biggest comeback for the next sem, and become our best-selves, but alas am just a human who grows tired each passing exam and when its finally the time to rest, I do just that.

Most of us students I think are all the same, we fantasize about our future adventures & plans that would take place during the break (Diwali Break in my case), plans varying from playing Genshin Impact all day on your iPad, to going out with friends, to painting an air dry clay trinket tray you made, to getting 39294 pictures clicked on diwali.

This past exam season certainly had a toll on me, waking up at 3am and 4am just to revise for my exams, being in a constant state of panic that only leads you to forgetting whatever you studied, and being anxious until the exam is done & dusted. I truly hate how the exams had no gaps between them, back-to-back exams really drain the life outta you.

Anyways, after my exams ended, I had made it a point to not let myself repeat the same mistakes as I did in last semester, and started planning. And I caught myself saying “Oh if ‘this’ happens I would be able to do ‘that’ ” and I think a lot of us also tend to think in a similar pattern like, “Oh when I finally get in shape, I’ll go out more”, “When I get this project done I’ll finally buy myself a treat”, “Omg when I get a boyfriend I’ll finally try out that new place”, “When I get that one bag I’ll go on more solo reading dates” and what not, but on a random thursday it struck me, that my life is happening now, not someday in the future, and suddenly it all made sense, because waiting on your happiness will never really lead to any sort of happiness at all.

It truly is about giving yourself that permission to want to pursue a life that makes you happy, not just in the future but also the present, because as cliché as it sounds the present is a gift, which’s why its called a present. A lot of us tend to punish ourselves subconsciously, for not being in the “perfect shape”, “best financial condition”, “most productive phase”, “perfect relationship”, but all it really does is make your inner child feel even more unsafe and unloved.

And another epiphany that I recently had is that self-hatred is truly a learned behaviour, especially if as a kid you were scolded by your parents for not waking up early, for example. It really all stems from our inherent learned resistance to “failure” that tends to overpower our achievements in life, which’s also why we tend to belittle our accomplishments, because in our head it was always an “obligation” that we had to succeed at, thus we end up setting even higher standards for ourselves to oblige.

In order to really enjoy the present and make your inner child feel safe and loved, you just have to continue taking positive actions towards the life you truly want for yourself, most blockages in our mindset can be overcome by self-love, so be kind to yourself, journal, make art, dance, educate yourself, go out more, try out that new place by yourself, buy yourself a treat, grab a book and read it at your fav cafe. The point is stop postponing your happiness for it belongs to the right here right now, in the present.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a bit shorter essay this one I agree but truly I just wanted to convey certain things and I missed yall sm omg, am gonna try my best to keep writing here a bit more consistently from now on, take care and keep warm <3

The vibes of this essay:

xoxo

Shreya